some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
