my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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