i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
