I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
