just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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