He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
