Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
