the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
