I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
