i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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