she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
