Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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