i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
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So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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