I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
