I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
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All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
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I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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