im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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