i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
