Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
