she woke up with a sticky ear
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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