He uses pillows to masturbate.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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