considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
