we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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