Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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