Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
