wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
