he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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