I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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