hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
