my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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