Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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