I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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