dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
