porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
