Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
