I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
