I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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