i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Soap is not a condiment
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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