my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
