On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
