Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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