I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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