she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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