Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
