Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
