ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
