the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
