Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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