So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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