I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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