guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
