Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
