sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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