I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
