So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
