It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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