Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
