I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
